When Doves Cry Out
by JerichoSteele
Summary: This is the darker version of When Doves Cry. Some asked for this and I thought, why not?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Here's a taste of the darker version I had in mind before my romantic side overcame me. A few of you wanted this … so, here you go.**

 **When Doves Cry Out**

"So …" Kensi slipped into the armory, watching her partner/boyfriend as he scrubbed a bristle brush along the slide of his disassembled pistol. " … this is where you vanished to?"

Deeks wasn't sure if she meant it as a question or a statement, and in his current mood, he really didn't want to care. He'd needed to clean his weapon after the shootout at the hotel and since he'd been busy writing his report for the LAPD while the rest of the team had taken care of theirs, he was left to do it all by himself. It stung that it had taken the better part of an hour for Kensi to either find him or bother to look in the first place.

"Yeah, you know how Hetty is about the readiness of our weapons." His emotionless response sounded hollow even in his own ears, so he tried to lighten it a little. "I don't think she's forgiven me for the last time I forgot."

Kensi didn't respond as she moved to stand at his side, leaning her hip against the table in the center of the room. She picked up the lower receiver, consisting of the pistol grip and the magazine well, and began to run an oily rag across the metal surface. As she moved, Deeks caught the scent of the lavender and cinnamon body wash that she loved so much, and he did too … but there was another smell that made his stomach clench into a tight knot.

Cologne.

Sharp and pungent. Musky and heady at the same time.

And definitely not his.

DiNozzo.

 _Son. Of. A. Bitch._

It must have transferred when she gave him that overly friendly hug in the bullpen before he left to fly back to DC. It had almost surprised the detective that his partner/girlfriend hadn't volunteered to escort the very well-dressed agent to the airport. Hell, from the way she'd been flirting with the man, he wouldn't have been shocked if she'd offered to drive him all the way to the East coast.

 _Don't get mad … let it go._

He wanted to, he really did … but it was eating away at him and he knew that sooner or later, they were going to have to hash it out. When Kensi cleared her throat, it seemed that fate had stepped in once again.

"Does this mean that you're done being 'weird'?" She even made air quotes.

Deeks' hands dropped to the table top, the slide making a soft 'thump' sound when it hit the pad. "Define _weird._ "

Kensi glanced at him over her shoulder. "Well, for starters … how about that ridiculous Uma suit you had on first thing this morning. Good grief Deeks, if you're going to shock me like that, how about next time you give me a head's up?"

When she saw his face fall, she knew that was the wrong thing to say. Her partner's countenance went from slightly miffed to … _hurt_? Then he turned his head away from her and found something interesting on the wall in the far corner to hold his attention. Kensi waited a moment before leaning to the side so she could poke his bicep with her finger.

"Deeks?"

His lack of response caused her 'something's wrong' meter to spike.

"Hey, partner … what's up?"

After taking a deep breath, he turned back to face her, his familiar smile plastered on his face in such a way that she knew it was forced. "Nothing … nothing … just got a lot on my mind."

Kensi wasn't buying it but the small twinkle in his eyes made her think that maybe she was reading more into his mood that she should. She took a deep breath and let it all slowly, waiting to see if his body language would give anything away. When nothing shifted, she simply nodded, pushing herself off the edge of the table. "Do you want me to go ahead and order the Chinese for tonight?"

When he didn't respond as quickly as he usually would, she stopped moving.

"Uh … yeah … about that." He now looked nervous, like he knew that she wasn't going to like what he said. "I've got some things to tie up over at the precinct … so we might want to make tonight our night off."

Still thinking that she was reading his mood all wrong, Kensi tried to keep the conversation lite. "But we were going to stay up and watch the 'Halloween' Movie Marathon … it starts at eight."

Deeks let his eyes fall to the disassembled gun on the table. "I'm just not feeling up to it tonight … I'll DVR it for us and maybe we can catch it later."

"Are you serious?"

He only nodded and her heart suddenly felt like it wanted to stop beating. He was always the one that fought against her when she mentioned taking a night off and this sudden one-eighty was making her dizzy.

"Yeah … I think so."

This was her moment to agree and bid him a soft good-bye, slip him a reassuring kiss and head out to find something to occupy her for the evening. But the bad vibe that he'd been putting off even before agent DiNozzo had arrived wasn't lessening and she knew that if she left it alone it might fester into something bigger than it should be.

"Okay … but on one condition."

He looked up at her with a raised eyebrow and before he could agree or disagree, Kensi pressed on, dropping her hand to rest gently on his shoulder. It startled her when he spun away, allowing her hand to slip from where it was touching him to fall awkwardly to her side.

Deeks walked over to the large window that faced the shooting range then turned back to face her, resting his back against the ballistic glass. "Okay."

Kensi didn't hesitate or mince her words that came out in a harsh whisper. "You have to tell me what the hell is wrong!" When his eyes fell to look at the floor at his feet, it took all of her will power not to run over and tug him into her arms.

"You're gonna think it's stupid …"

"Deeks …"

He knew that he had to explain why his mood had turned even more sour as the day progressed, he'd just hoped that she would leave it alone until tomorrow and he had calmed down a little bit more. "Alright … I wore that stupid, canary-yellow monstrosity for you."

His statement caught her so off-guard that she couldn't help the small snigger that escaped before she could stop herself. The look that formed on his face told her that her list of mistakes on this day had just grown longer.

"See … told you that you would think it's stupid." He pushed off the window and turned toward the exit.

"No … Deeks … I'm sorry …" She reached out to stop him but he did it himself. Kensi wasn't sure if he only did it so he could finally explain of if it was to avoid having her touch him again.

When he started talking, he was looking at the weapons case at the far end of the room. "When I was helping you unpack those boxes you brought to our place … I found a bunch of old posters …"

Kensi's mind tried desperately to remember what had been in those boxes but she'd packed them so quickly she wasn't able to recall anything specific.

"There were some Led Zeppelin, The Who, even a Stevie Wonder … but then I found an entire cache of Bruce Lees …"

 _The Bruce references … the yellow jump suit … ah, shit!_

He was talking again before she could find the words.

" … there was the one with him in that suit … and I had this stupid idea that if I wore one like your hero, that maybe you would appreciate the gesture." His voice was sad but no more so than what Kensi was feeling about how her boyfriend had tried to do something sweet and thoughtful … and she'd crapped all over it.

"I knew that Sam and Callen would make fun of me … took me forever to work up the guts to actually walk out into the gym in that thing." Deeks ran his hand through his hair, his tell that he was both nervous and even a little fearful.

"De … _Marty_ …"

"I know it looked ridiculous … but … I just wanted to … you know … "

Kensi took a step toward him but when his body stiffened; she paused for a moment as she decided if he still needed to finish his thoughts.

"Then very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo waltzes right off a GQ photo shoot and I'm standing there looking like a complete buffoon …" His voice was dropping to another octave, the one that let her know that he was hurt … and angry. " … and it's not ten minutes later before my _girlfriend_ starts gushing all over him about how much she likes a man who dresses his age … and how good he looks in his suit." He'd almost spit the words out.

"Babe … I'm sorry … "

He continues as if he didn't hear her or doesn't care. "That suit costs more than I make in a month! How in the hell am I supposed to compete with that?!"

This time she does move to be closer and when he steps further away, she can't hide the hurt that courses through her. "No … _no_ … Marty, you don't have to …"

"To what? Worry that someone that dresses … looks … speaks … better than I do will turn your head?"

"That's not what happened!" Kensi tries not to, but her defenses are beginning to kick in and she forgets that she was trying to keep this light so that they would end up together tonight. The longer this escalates, the slimmer those chances are growing.

"Isn't it!? Mr. Super Duper Agent man walks in here and my partner … my _lover_ … immediately starts off making fun of the way I dress … the way I talk …" Deeks' shoulders are now up around his ears and he's fighting a losing battle with holding anything back. " … then when I think it can't get any worse, she consistently choses to team up with him throughout the day … _I'll go with DiNozzo …DiNozzo and I will take it … DiNozzo and I will head into the hotel … DiNozzo, you ever think about coming out to the west coast? …_ and that sexy voice you used when you took the call on _his_ phone? You almost slapped me the last time I touched yours!"

In that moment, Kensi realized that the comms had been open and that her boyfriend and partner had heard everything in her conversation with the agent from DC. "Babe … _please_ …"

But he wasn't listening. "You forget that I know you better than you think you know yourself … I watched you last week, when you were smoozing the billionaire money launderer for domestic terrorists … there was a part of you that enjoyed that life … that _wanted_ it."

In a moment of personal honesty, Kensi realized that he was right; the cars, the jewelry, the expensive dinners … it had all been nice and flattering. She let out a long sigh and took a small step closer. "Deeks … yeah babe, it was nice … but I choose you … I want to be with you."

"Until anther sharp looking man walks by and spins your head." He said it like the words tasted like bile in his throat and when he finally turned to look at her, she saw only hurt and pain swimming in the depths of his Pacific blues. "Hell, when you came out of the hotel after the shoot-out, you checked on him before even asking if I was okay!"

"That's not what happened … "

He stepped toward her and for a moment, she almost fell away from his harsh gaze. "It's not? Then this must be some sort of revenge for the way Talia acted when she was here. Is that what that hug you gave him was all about?!"

Just the mention of the woman who Kensi thought understood the new level of her 'thing' with Deeks was enough to send her blood pressure spiking. "Look, this has nothing to do with her …"

"Then what is it Kensi?"

It was the first time he'd called her by her name and it shamed her that it actually hurt when he did.

"Is this about the model? I thought we'd hashed that out and it was behind us." His anger was turning into a high boil, threatening to spill over. "I tell you what I told you then … the pictures were the same ones sent by Eric to ALL OF US! When I said she was hot, I didn't mean I wanted to sleep with her or even really have anything to do with her … she's very high maintenance …"

For a second, Kensi thought he was trying to interject some humor into their discussion, but the dark expression on his face let her know that she was wrong.

" … and you said, after we hashed it out again, that you forgave me and that it wouldn't come up again … guess I was wrong to trust you."

Now _that_ set her off as well.

"And what about your girlfriend, Talia?"

Deeks shock his head in disbelief. "Really? This again?" He moved so fast she didn't realize it until he was already in her personal space. "She comes in here and throws herself at me … and that's _my_ fault!?"

"Well … "

"I don't believe this! What was I supposed to do Kensi? Shoot her?" The look in that he saw in her eyes revealed that he wasn't too far off the mark. It appeared like he was about to say something else when he suddenly stopped, as if a thought had suddenly become clear to him. "That's it, isn't it?"

Kensi folded her arms across her chest, preparing to defend herself and her actions. "What are you talking about?"

"Your little dance with DiNozzo was your way of getting me back, wasn't it?"

Her response came with her patented eye-roll. "You're delusional."

"Then why were you so determined to be alone with the guy?"

Kensi stepped up to the challenge. "He's from out-of-town and he needed our help."

"Exactly … he needed _our_ help, not just _yours_. I thought, out of everyone, you would have wanted he and I to hit it off … brother cops and all."

"But he's an agent, you're still a just a cop." It came out quickly and in that moment, Kensi knew she'd gone too far. She watched his entire body slump and the fire in his eyes dimmed into a cloudy shade. Stuttering over her words, she tried in vain to reel in the hurtful comment, but it was too late. "Deeks …"

The detective was already stepping backwards, away from her, avoiding the hand that had come up to catch his arm. "And there it is … just another reason why I'll never be enough for you." His retreat was quick; turning back to the bench to claim his weapon and he reassembled it so fast, she couldn't help but be impressed. But he was still moving away from her faster than she could process what was happening.

"Marty … come on, I didn't mean it …"

Deeks paused at the edge of the table and took a deep breath. "You say that every time, Kensi … every time we have these disagreements, you say 'I didn't mean it' … well, I think you do. Somewhere deep inside of you, you think you're settling with me when you could have so much more." He wiped away a tear that had slipped down his cheek. "Instead of focusing on what we already have, you're on the look-out for a better version of me … and I'll always feel like I'm not enough."

The room fell into silence as her old arguments echoed in her mind and they sounded as hallow to her as they always had to him. Deeks slipped his pistol into his belt at his back and was almost to the door when Kensi found her voice once more. "What are you doing?"

He slowed to a stop just inside the room, his head tipped back so he could look up at the ceiling. "I'm heading out."

"Meet you at home?"

She feared that his response would leave her heart quaking. She was right.

"No, Kens … not this time." Then he was gone.

…


	2. Chapter 2

**Of Hoops and Hurricanes**

…

Kensi had been at her bungalow for almost an hour before she received a text from Deeks.

It was simple and quick.

 **I'll be at Kips. – D**

No sentiment other than to let her know where he was and that he wasn't alone. It wasn't much relief to her aching heart to know any of that since he should be with her, especially after the shoot-out and their argument in the armory.

The drive from the Mission had been filled with both anger and regret … regret for the way that she'd acted around Agent DiNozzo and anger for Deeks nailing her for it. Not at him specifically, but with the new dimension of their relationship where they could so easily hurt each other without realizing that's what they were doing. Every relationship that she'd had since Jack had always been short and sweet, ending well before anything deeper than basic lust and passion had the time to take root and grow into something more. That allowed her heart to stay protected but still fill the thrill of another person's attention and affection. Diving into this 'thing' with Deeks was so much more than anything she'd experienced in a very long time and the fight was causing her to question if she'd fully understood what it meant to go "All in".

Since Christmas and their kiss at the skating rink, the two of them had been on the same page, growing in ways that made her wonder if she'd ever truly been in love before. Even her memories of her time with Jack didn't rival the level of intimacy she shared with Deeks; it went so much deeper than that. There were times when he had a canny way of knowing exactly what she was thinking before she even realized it herself. It freaked her out sometimes when he would answer the question she was about to ask before she was able to speak. They'd shared the knack for reading each other's minds while on the job, so it shouldn't have been such a surprise when it happened when they were just being Kensi and Deeks.

Maybe that's what scared her. The fact that there was someone on this earth that could read her so well, know the things that she tried to keep hidden, and then know exactly what to do to make her, not just _feel_ better, but _be_ better. It suddenly dawned on her that was what was different about Deeks and any man she'd ever dated or had a serious relationship. He made her better. At everything.

And for some reason, she'd pissed all over it.

Maybe it was the model, Catalina, that her boyfriend had complimented … but as she thought about it, he hadn't done so to the young woman's face. There had been no flirting whatsoever and he'd been on his best behavior around the exotic beauty. Kensi remembered that he'd complimented her as well, telling her again and again how she was 'rockin' that pant suit as they protected their charge. Not too far in the distant past, Deeks would have been drooling all over himself at the mere thought of working with a model, much less one as beautiful as Catalina.

Damn.

Maybe it had been their reunion with Talia, the vivacious DEA agent who happened to have an eye for her partner as well. The woman practically threw herself at Deeks, over and over, and nothing seemed to deter her from rubbing it in Kensi's face. It had been cute, for about fifteen seconds and then it was all she could do not to head-butt the woman in the nose … again. It seemed as if they were all back in high school and two girls who were somewhat friends both had a crush on the same guy and were just a breath away from drawing blood over him. It puzzled her how two fairly rational adults could act like total buffoons when they both saw something that they both wanted.

But Kensi was one up on Talia. Not only did she want Deeks, but she had him. Or was that more past tense than it should be? Did she still? Or had her little traipse along the 'flirting line' with Agent DiNozzo just ruin what she'd wanted for so long? Was what Deeks said about a desire for a more sophisticated or richer man, could it possibly be true?

When she'd posed as 'Rachel' and made another man salivate over her, spilling secrets in a very short time that would lead to his downfall … was that the lifestyle she wanted? Fancy cars, enormous houses, and even larger checking accounts … no worries about having enough left in the bank at the end of the month? The level of security that that amount of money would guarantee … was tempting.

But her father had taught her that the best things in life are those that you work …strive … _struggle_ … for. It was the intangibles, the things that you can't put in a bottle or a box; the things that made you feel ten feet tall and bulletproof, like you could fly to the moon and back. Things like love and commitment, trust and honor, faithfulness and loyalty … all the things that she'd hungered for her entire life … and the things she'd found in a scruffy cop surfer who she didn't even want as a partner the first time she met him but who she would now willingly die for at any time.

They had struggled, both with and for each other. Kensi's time on her own had left her guarded against letting anyone in too far too fast, protecting her heart from the pain of losing someone who managed to gain entrance to her heart. The closure she received during her time in Afghanistan and her dangerous reunion with her former fiancé had given her the courage to eventually take a chance and dive into her feelings for her partner, looking forward to more than memories of only that one night with him.

And she couldn't remember a time when she'd been happier or more at peace. His steadfast devotion to her, his patience when the nightmares had come and she'd called him on the phone, so wrung out that she couldn't even speak. His calming voice washing away the tremors as he spoke comfort to her and he made her feel safe though he was miles away. Then there were the nights when he would appear at her door, and even though she hadn't called, somehow he'd known exactly what … or who … she needed to calm the storm that was twisting her apart on the inside. He had held her until the tears and sobs had stopped and her when her world righted itself, he was right there, content to be the rock to which she'd anchored herself.

The events in the armory flooded her thoughts, reminding her of what had separated them for the evening. Yeah, she'd screwed that up pretty well all on her own. And for what? Another chance to join in with 'the guys' and poke fun at her partner? A chance to flirt with a man who was considered one of the best agents in the NCIS organization, not to mention a very handsome and illegible bachelor? What in the world had possessed her to the point where she had acted that way?

Kensi knew that making simple excuses wasn't something that Deeks would allow her to do; she wouldn't accept them from him, so how could she expect him to do anything less than hold her accountable? Looking back over her actions with a truly objective lens, the brunette began to see exactly how it all would have looked to her boyfriend … and it wasn't pretty. If Deeks had pulled anything even close to what she had actually done, she would have gone ballistic. Just thinking about having him criticize the way she dressed or spoke to Talia actually made her slightly nauseas … and if he'd made a point of choosing to team up with the other woman rather than with his true partner, there probably would have been more spilled blood than would be considered polite. If she'd overheard him asking about the DEA agent moving closer … well, that might have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

But that was her.

Deeks had taken it all in stride until it dawned on him that she didn't even realize what she'd done. Then he'd called her on her own bullshit and when she'd tried to defend herself, she'd only hurt him more with that crap statement about him just being a cop.

Just a cop.

A cop who risked his life protecting people who often didn't respect him for being their only defense against the evil in this world.

A cop who actually worked for two separate agencies, but only got paid by one.

A cop who jumped into a world that was filled with more danger than a spaced out crack head who would vomit on your shoes right after trying to kill you.

A cop who had stood by her side when there was no one else to come to her aid.

A cop who could melt her façade with that crooked smile that he reserved specifically for her.

A cop who took all the hazing and abuse that a hardened former CIA operative and a retired Navy SEAL could dish out, deflecting it all with an endless sense of humor.

A cop who was her cop … the man who had pulled her from lasers and exploding buildings, who had taken two shots to the chest because of something she had done, who had followed her into foreign countries on dangerous missions simply because he was her partner.

And today, when he'd tried to do something sweet simply because he knew it would make her smile, she'd blown it spectacularly and was now all by herself wondering if there was anything she could say to make up for it.

No.

There wasn't anything that she could say. Nothing at all.

But, there was something she could do.

Kensi literally popped up from her couch, wiping away the tears from her cheeks as she snatched her car keys from the hook beside her front door. In her haste, she almost forgot to lock the door and her hands were shaking so badly, that she dropped her keys twice before reaching her vehicle. She'd fought through days and nights in a dark cave in Afghanistan to make it back to him and his smile … she wasn't going to let her own stupid actions sink the best thing that would ever happen to her.

Look out, Martin Andrew Deeks … here comes hurricane Kensi.

…

 _Swoosh._

Nothing but net, just like every other shot he'd made over the past half an hour or so.

The basketball bounced only once before he managed to sprint over and claim it once more. Deeks dribbled quickly back to a spot well outside the three point marker before he stopped, pivoted and shot before his feet were fully planted.

 _Swoosh._

Nothing but net.

Sweat trickled down his forehead down to his neck where it stained the front and back of his gray tank-top as he charged the goal once more, snatching up the ball and moving to the edge of the court. Just inside the boundary line, he turned back toward the goal, bounced the ball twice at his feet before launching himself into the air. His arms and hands moved with fluid like grace to send it hurling in a high arc that ended as it passed between the rim of the goal as he made another perfect shot.

Deeks had spent almost an hour just driving around and when the beach had held no attraction, he had found himself pulling into the driveway of someone who would give him the space he needed at the moment. Having a man of Kip's wealth as a close friend had its benefits and one of them was almost unlimited access to the full sized, climate-controlled basketball court that sat just behind the professional hoopster's palatial mansion. His friend had been kind and gracious when the detective had shown up earlier in the evening and hadn't even asked too many questions about the unexpected visit, nodding in understanding to Deeks simple "I don't want to talk about it" greeting. The taller man had simply nodded in the direction of the court and had left him in relative peace ever since.

Now, with his legs and arms beginning to ache and his shirt and shorts stained with perspiration, Deeks felt he might have finally worked out some of the ache in his chest over the events of the past day and the hurt caused by his girlfriend. Yeah, it had sucked to watch her smooze up to the agent from DC and her insensitive comments about his attire had struck hard and deep, but she'd forgiven him any number of stupid things since they moved into the "All in" aspect of their relationship and he was wondering if this was just another test designed by the fates to see if they had what it took to go the distance.

Even if it was just another test, it still sucked. He'd endured comments like hers throughout his days in Law school and during his tenure as a public defender. Observations that he "didn't look like a lawyer" or "if you're going to be taken seriously, you have to do something with your hair" had been common and just as bothersome. He knew he didn't look professional and it was all purposeful as many of his clients didn't trust anyone in a suit, whether it was a lawyer or a detective or just somebody else that was trying to make their lives even more miserable.

Those thoughts led to memories from a time when there had been many people in suits that had come into the life of a much younger Marty who was just hoping for some help for his mother. Wearing a three piece, one thousand dollar suit didn't mean the person wearing it would give a rat's ass about a snotty nosed kid and his crying mother who looked like she'd gone a few rounds with Mike Tyson. There had been the case workers who, though their suits had been a lot less expensive, their hearts had been just as cold and indifferent to the plight of a mother and son looking for a helping hand in the darkness that was their lives.

On the day he'd graduated from law school, his mother had taken him out that evening to celebrate and she'd wanted to buy her lawyer son a brand new suit. After he'd explained why he didn't want her to do that, she'd cried on his shoulder, sobbing about how proud she was of him and how sorry she was that she didn't do more to protect him from his own father. He'd sworn then and there, that if at all possible, he'd never wear another suit for as long as he lived.

Then he'd become a cop, then a detective where suits were mandatory within the dress code of the LAPD, so the transfer to undercover had been a simple decision and one he would never regret. The price had been the respect of some of his brothers in blue, but if they judged him by the way he dressed, then he really didn't care what they thought in the first place. Getting caught up with the NCIS special operations team had led to a few undercovers where a suit was required and he'd had to swallow the bile in his throat every time Hetty loaned him one of the very nice outfits.

Then came the day when one of his teammates … one of his friends … had insulted his very character based upon his appearance. If they hadn't been tied up with a mission, Sam Hanna might have found out exactly how good a scrapper the detective really was when he wasn't holding anything back.

But all of that was inconsequential to the way his girlfriend had made him feel today as he stood there in that yellow monstrosity while she complimented the dapper Agent Dinozzo. Maybe he should have said something sooner about how that had hurt, but they were quickly heading out to track down Tony's lost charge and the time had passed even as the day continued down its dark path. Listening to her flirt over the open comms line had been a little more than he was willing to tolerate and a confrontation about it was inevitable by that point. Watching her hug the other man had been enough to make him want to shoot something. He'd ended up hiding down in the armory where Kensi had found him later and the rest was just the icing on a really sucky day.

Deeks knew that this was still new to the both of them and that moving into something 'new' with Kensi was fraught with chances of screwing up the wonderful friendship that they already had … but what they _could_ have in the future would make all the struggles worthwhile. He'd never been this serious with any of the women that he had dated over the years and while it still scared the hell out of him, he wouldn't trade it for the world. Well, maybe the part when he thought she was dead or when he thought he wasn't going to get to her in time to save her … he could deal with a few less days like those.

But she was worth it.

All of it.

At least, he hoped she was. After the events of today, it hurt more than he could bear to think that she still thought of him as just a cop and he wasn't sure exactly how … or if … that rift could be repaired. Out of all the people in his life, there was no one, besides his mother, whose opinion of him mattered more than Kensi. From the moment _"_ _Deeks, really? That's the best they could do?"_ had escaped her lips when she didn't know he could hear her, he'd been on a mission to impress the beautiful and dangerous Bad Ass Blye. When he realized that his feelings had moved from trying to show her that he really was good at what he did, to trying to show her how good she made him … he'd known that his heart would never be the same.

And maybe that was what was tripping him up … trying to impress her. He knew that there would always be someone with more money, better looks, bigger muscles … whatever … than he possessed. Deeks also knew that if he had to continually fight to hold Kensi's attention, and heart, then she was never truly his in the first place and he was simply chasing the shadow of something that was never there to begin with.

She either wanted to be with him or she didn't.

If the latter was truly the reality of the situation he found himself in, the consequences were almost too harsh to even contemplate. For some reason, a verse from the Book of John popped into his mind … _And you will know the truth and the truth will set you free … verse 8, chapter 32 …_ and some things began to become clear to him.

He had to know what the truth really was. He had to know before he could go any further into this with Kensi, before their lives became more entangled than her sharing half of his closet with him, before she spent more than half of her week nights curled up with him in his bed, before their separate lives become one.

Good or bad … pain or happiness … he simply had to know before his mind and heart ripped themselves apart, leaving him hallow and broken. If he was what she needed to be happy … or if he wasn't … either way, he'd be free. Free to love her completely and without reservation … or free to let her go, to find her happiness with someone else.

With his heart thumping in his chest and his pulse pounding in his ears, Deeks dribbled the ball back and forth, alternating hands each time it bounced up off the floor. His speed increased until the rhythm matched the one pumping inside his body, then in a flash, he broke into a dead run toward the goal, the ball pushed out ahead of him. He bounced it once more, then scooped it into his right hand as he launched himself off of the floor several steps away from the backboard. For a moment, he simply floated in the air, the goal coming closer and closer until at the last possible moment, he pin wheeled his arm, the edge of his hand glancing gently off the rim as the ball slid through the net. Reaching up, Deeks clamped his hands onto the metal rim, letting his body hang suspended as the ball bounced slowly across the floor below him.

As his momentum made him swing gently back and forth, his arm muscles began to ache with the effort of hanging on while his mind wrestled with the decision he'd made only seconds earlier. Holding onto the goal wasn't something he'd be able to do for too long, he'd eventually have to let it go and drop to the floor … back to reality where he wasn't a pro basketball player and he was simply a cop who loved his partner with all that he had. Letting go would reveal the 'truth' of who he really was and no matter how hard he wanted to hang on, he simply couldn't fight the force of gravity for too much longer. As the ache in his muscles turned into a strong burn, Deeks knew that his reality … his world … was waiting for him to just let go.

So he did.

Landing on his toes, he bounced lightly to reduce the impact on his joints, his eyes following the ball as it rolled up against the far wall. He wiped the sweat from his eyes and moved to chase down the orange orb when a distinctive sound reached his ears. It was the sound of light but enthusiastic clapping coming from the double doors that led out to the patio behind Kip's house … but the clapping wasn't strong like his friend's … it sounded more like …

She was almost hidden in the shadows near the door, but he would recognize her silhouette anywhere at any time of day and the sight of her took away what little breath he had left, her name a breathless wish.

"Kens?"

…

 **A/N: Sorry for my long absence … I kinda lost my way there for a while and I began to doubt my abilities to continue writing or to tell a good story. Plot points and problematic story arcs were causing too much confusion in my thought processes, so I took a bit of a long break to let the slate wash itself clean. Hopefully, there are still some of you who are still waiting patiently for me to get back into my stories and I thank you in advance if you are one of the few.**

 **Semper Fidelis**

 **JS**


	3. Landfall

**Landfall**

…

When she had first slipped into Kip's enclosed basketball court, Kensi couldn't help but be impressed with the expansive room and the shiny hardwood floor that light reflected the few over-head lights that were on. While most of the room was still shrouded in shadow, there was a small area at the other end of the room that was lit and it just happened to be the area which she was looking for. Primarily, it was because the man that was making some really impressive shots from behind the three point line.

Kensi had slid the door silently closed behind her and stepped into a small alcove that would shield her even more in the darkness as she watched Deeks dribble the ball before making another eye catching shot. The way his body moved was almost fluid, like his mind was in perfect sync with his bones and muscles. Each movement was intentional, no wasted or extra energy spent doing something that would be a useless expenditure of effort or will. If she had been impressed by the expensive structure that her boyfriend was shooting hoops in, that paled in comparison to the man himself and his seemingly plentiful talent with the orange ball in his hands. With all the pick-up games that she and the team had played back in the Mission's gym, she was surprised that Deeks had kept this secret all to himself; impressing Callen and Sam on the court would have gone a long way into getting on their good side.

But maybe, the reasons for his keeping it all hidden ran deeper than the fact that she knew he didn't like to show off in front of others. It wasn't a weakness, but the strength to hold himself back, when he could have easily cleaned the floor against either of them … or even against them both.

As that fact tumbled around in her mind, she came to a sudden realization about the man that she loved. While he was the best partner she could have ever asked for and was the bravest man she would ever meet … he had a tender and fragile soul. It was displayed whenever a case involved kids, animals, or someone who had simply run out of hope. That came from a life on the bottom, where pain and hurt were a part of everyday life … that's what built that type of empathy and care. He hadn't told her all of his secrets, but she knew deep down, that some of them were scary and dark, nightmares within horror, places that hid demons and scars.

As the past week played over in her mind, Kensi felt the sting of unshed tears in the corners of her eyes, and her heart ache at the place she found herself. How could such a loving and tender man ever love her enough to put up with all the crap that she dished out? What had possessed her to act like a slightly hormonal teenaged girl around Special Agent DiNozzo? Was Deeks right to accuse her of using the man's visit as an opportunity to strike back because of the previous flirtations of a certain dark-haired DEA agent? And what on God' green earth had motivated her to mention the 'still a cop' tag line? Of all the things that she'd said and done, she knew that one was the one that had hurt Deeks the most … and she had no idea why the words had slipped from her lips.

Regret and shame burst in her chest, causing her heart to ache even more at her callous statements and making her eyes prickle with unshed tears. As she watched her partner charge the goal, Kensi held her breath as she watched his feet leave the floor as his strong legs pushed him high into the air. He appeared to almost float effortlessly for a second before slamming the ball through the hoop, the backboard shaking violently with the release of energy. Then she watched him hang there, suspended by his lean, muscular arms while the ball bounced away to the edge of the court.

As she watched him, Kensi wondered what he was thinking about and if it concerned her actions that had driven him this night. He'd come here to sulk or rage, she really wasn't sure at the moment as his ball shooting hadn't revealed anything yet. His choice to go somewhere other than the home that they were almost sharing completely had hurt … but she also knew that when something was bothering him, he needed to work it out on his own sometimes. And this time he'd chosen to go somewhere else … away from her. Kensi sadly thought that if he'd know she might show up here, he probably wouldn't have shared it with her in his one and only text of the evening.

When his feet hit the floor, Kensi was already moving, stepping out onto the polished wood floor as Deeks moved to chase down the basketball. She didn't really think it out before she began clapping, his impressive physical display of ball handling drawing out her admiration that she rarely shared with him, even when he did something that totally blew her away. Again, the cold hand of regret gripped her heart and she silently vowed to do better than she had in the past.

Deeks' head had shot up at the sound of her hands slapping together and for a brief moment, he looked happy to see her … then his face fell, her name falling from his lips in forlorn acceptance.

"Kens."

She wasn't sure if he'd meant it as a question or a sad statement, but it didn't deter her from taking several more steps toward him as he slowly scooped the ball up into his hands. His eyes were now dodging hers, looking from the floor to the ball and back to the floor again. Kensi was thankful that he, at least, hadn't turned and bolted from the room the moment he saw her.

When she finally stopped, all the words and phrases that she'd wanted to say evaporated from her mind and Kensi could only stand there, silently hoping to wake up from the nightmare that this day had become. After several silent seconds, her mouth decided to start working again but her thoughts were still too confused to make any coherent thoughts, so she just tried to stay in the trivial realm for the time being.

"Ummm … that was some pretty fancy shooting there, partner." _Did she really just say that? Way to go Kensi, you sound like a teenaged girl trying to talk to the captain of the basketball team._

For some reason, Deeks decided to let any teasing slide away, deferring to self-depreciation as was his usual tendency. "Nah … you just caught me on a good night."

Kensi recognized his effort to deflect her compliment and she wondered how often he'd done that before without her noticing or saying anything about it. "Don't do that Deeks …"

The blonde shrugged his shoulders, pulling a little innocent boy expression onto his face. "Don't do what?"

"Sell yourself short like that." The moment the words left her lips, Kensi saw the trap that she had unwittingly walked right into. _He does that because that's how I've conditioned him to respond. Even while dating, I still rarely defend him when the boys are picking on him … sometimes I still join in … and when Special Agent DiNozzo drops by, I just …_

Deeks can see her tensing, preparing for his rebuttal of her comment and he decides to tempt fate, tossing the ball into the air to catch it when it falls to chest high. "It's what I do Kensi."

"But you shouldn't."

He really wasn't in the mood for the conversation, especially since she dropped by and interrupted his session where he was trying to collect his thoughts. The day had been one big _suckfest_ and if they were to work this out, he needed some time to cool down. By showing up, Kensi had denied him the reprieve that he needed to sort out his feelings.

It ticked him off a little.

"What are you doing here Kensi?"

Kensi tucked her hands into the pockets on the front of her jeans, forcing them deep into the denim to hide the quiver in them that had suddenly appeared. She could sense the anger radiated from him as if he was a furnace and she was standing a little too close. But she'd made this mess and backing away wasn't something that she was willing to do.

Swallowing the lump in her throat and looking up to catch his eyes, Kensi braced herself for the tumult she knew was coming. "I had to make sure that you … that _we_ … are okay."

Her heart sank when he dropped his eyes from her, his head shaking from side to side. "No, Kens … I don't think we are."

It felt as if her insides were filled with cold lead as the weight of her partner's words settled into her very bones. Usually, he was the jovial one, always finding hope where none existed and his cold tone made her soul ache for better days. There had been so many dark times when she felt lost or directionless and with a simple smile or off-color remark, Deeks had always pulled her from the pit of despair.

The man now standing before her was different and his typical humor was absent. This Deeks was wounded and hurting … and for the life of her, Kensi was completely lost as how to rectify the pain she had inflicted on him through her careless words and actions.

"Deeks … babe … I'm sor-"

His blue eyes cut to her mismatched ones and the icy fire she saw there stopped her words cold in her mouth.

"Don't say you're sorry … I'm getting tired of hearing it."

And he meant it, she could tell. It felt like there was a wall between them that she couldn't see but it was as if they weren't standing just a few feet apart; there were miles separating them.

"What … what do you want me to say?"

Deeks let the air rush from his lungs in one long sigh, his insides tangled in one huge Gordian knot and his heart felt like it was trying to beat its way out of his chest. Indeed, _what_ did he want? More words? More platitudes and apologies?

No. What he wanted … what he _needed_ … was an explanation.

"I just … _why_ Kensi?"

It was the question that she had been dreading ever since the words had left her mouth, ever since she had been overly friendly with the agent from DC … ever since she hurt the man she claims to love. It hadn't caught her off guard, but her first reaction was to put her shields up.

"I … I don't … I don't really know."

Deeks' response was immediate and sharp.

"Bullshit!" He waited until she looked back up at him before he continued, his next words more calm and gentle. "I call _bullshit_ , Kens … you know, you just don't want to tell me."

Kensi felt a stirring of anger at his presumption that he knew what she was thinking or feeling while she was treating him the way she had. Retreating back within herself, she folded her arms across her chest in her typical method of closing herself off. Some part of her had secretly hoped that by simply showing up, she could erase the hurt that she had caused, that her lover would see that the one that she wanted was him. That dream was now dashed and they were going to have to wrestle their way through this mess. A few simple words weren't the balm that she had wanted them to be, Deeks wasn't going to let it all slide so easily.

After a few more moments of silence, Kensi watched Deeks' countenance fall and she felt another part of her heart break as she feared that the next words from his mouth would be "Good-bye". Feeling the familiar sting of tears in her eyes, she swallowed hard, but before she could utter a sound, the man standing across from her spoke, and she could only wait with baited breath.

"When I was in high school, there was this girl that I was crazy about …" Deeks wasn't sure why this story had popped into his head and why he was sharing it now or if it would do any good. But he figured that if Kensi wasn't ready to share the 'why' behind her actions, maybe he could share why he was hurting so badly.

"… God, she was gorgeous …" He started bouncing the ball between his feet as he spoke, the memory playing out in his mind from all those years before. " … sweet, funny … way out of my league."

Kensi's heart clenched in her chest … she'd heard those words before and they had hurt then as well.

Deeks didn't notice the shift in Kensi's demeanor; he was concentrating on the story and the ball as he dribbled it on the floor. "We started out as lab partners … became friends … then I made the mistake of falling head over heels for her. She had blue eyes and jet black hair … made me dream of dates and dances … holding hands and kissing on the beach."

Kensi knew about some of his teenage years but they only concerned Ray and Nicole, this mystery girl was exactly that, a mystery. It suddenly dawned on her how little that they still didn't know about each other: first crushes, first dates … first kisses. Before her stood the man she couldn't see her future without and he was now sharing something from his past that somehow applied to their current and broken situation.

"But … sadly … that's all it would ever really be … a dream." Deeks caught the ball on its last bounce and slowly spun it in his hands. "We did go out a few times, but it was only as friends … no kiss … no hand holding … but I had wanted it all so bad, I could almost taste it."

"Deeks, why are you sharing this with me … _now_?"

The blonde detective didn't respond, he only continued like he hadn't heard her. Maybe he hadn't.

"She just kept me hanging on, gave me little hints that maybe if I waited a little longer or tried a little harder … she would love me back. There were days when she would let me carry her books or she would wear my jacket … touch my arm … send me a little smile that made it hard for me to breath …" The words were wistful and sad, like he'd been tempted with something so precious, only to have it yanked away at the last moment. "I tried to push her for more but she always shot me down … said she wasn't ready to go steady or even to really have a boyfriend. So I gave her space and waited for the next time when she would start showing some type of affection toward me. And like a fool … I would always think that this was the moment when she was finally going to let me in all the way."

"There was this one time, I guess we were about sixteen … when I thought if I asked her one more time, she would finally say 'yes'." Deeks shook his head sadly, letting out a small grunt before he continued. "But, again, she turned me down … told me that she didn't want a boyfriend, that she had too much on her plate and it wouldn't be fair." With sad, tired eyes, Deeks looked over at Kensi, and she felt the pain he had suffered all those long years ago. He blinked once and turned his eyes back to the floor, finding it hard to hold eye contact with her for more than a second or two.

"The next week, she went off to band camp … she played the flute … and I wrote her every day that she was gone. I never mailed them … never even gave them to her … I respected what she'd said about not wanting a relationship." The last words caused a shadow to pass over his eyes, clouding the Pacific blue for a moment or two before Deeks could shake it off. He rolled his head back, his sweat soaked hair dropping to his shoulders as he released a deep and mirthless chuckled.

"I was waiting in the school parking lot when the buses pulled in and I finally saw her through the windows … and for a few seconds, it was like I could breathe again …" Deeks' entire demeanor shifted, his shoulders rolled back and the muscles in his arms tensed. "… but when she got off … she was holding hands with the Bus Director's son, Danny. They giggled and cuddled the entire time they were unloading their bags and equipment … and all I could do was stand there like a moron while the girl I was crazy about gushed all over her new boyfriend."

Even though it had been years ago, Kensi could tell that particular moment in her lover's life had left an imprint on his heart, one that she had inadvertently trampled on and awoken. "Deeks … _Marty_ … I would never do that to you … I'm with you … and that's where I want to be."

He was shaking his head even before she had finished speaking and Kensi was about to protest when he cut her off. "Yes, you're with me now … but what about when someone better comes along?"

"What?!" She couldn't believe her ears.

Deeks' locked his eyes with hers and Kensi could see the doubt and fear etched in his sad gaze. "Sometimes I feel like I'm just the guy you've settled with … the one who's just holding the place for someone else whose better looking, got more money … has more to offer you than a cop's salary and a mangy dog that stinks up the couch."

Kensi's heart broke in her chest at his wretched confession and the tears that had stopped, returned with a vengeance. "Oh … God … babe … I would never … "

Deeks' hurt expression shifted to one of anger. "But that's how you make me feel!" It was a roar, born of both frustration and uncertainty. He took several deep breaths as he tried valiantly to regain what little composure he had left, but it only seemed to drain his strength even more and when he finally spoke, he sounded exhausted. "Sometimes … sometimes you make me feel just that girl did … give me just enough to keep me around until the kid whose dad bought him a Porsche shows up … and then you'll cut me lose and move on."

It was getting hard for Kensi to breathe and she knew that her harmless little flirting with Agent DiNozzo had been anything but harmless. The man that she claimed to love was standing right in front of her looking completely lost and alone, her own actions bringing him to this low state. Her mind was fixed on the agent from DC when Deeks stared talking again, his words slamming into her heart as if he was punching her, the truth of them hurting more than fists ever could.

"You don't think I see how you change your hair when you know Kip's going to be around? How your shirts are just a little more low cut?" Deeks wasn't looking at her anymore, his eyes locked on some point over her shoulder, and he was speaking in such low tones that she had to strain slightly in order to hear his words.

"You are the most beautiful woman that I have ever met Kensi … and you could have any man on this planet by simply looking at them … and I just wonder how long it will be before you realize that … and you walk out of my life."

…


	4. Pandora

**Pandora**

 _"You are the most beautiful woman that I have ever met Kensi … and you could have any man on this planet by simply looking at them … and I just wonder how long it will be before you realize that … and you walk out of my life."_

As the words from her lover's lips passed over and through her, Kensi felt as if her very soul had been plucked like a chord on a guitar, the vibrations shaking her to her core. To hear that he actually believed that he wasn't good enough for her, hurt more than anything she thought she would be able to bear and the familiar prick of tears stung the corners of her already burning eyes. She brought a hand up to cover her mouth, in case the pain overwhelmed her and the sobs couldn't be held at bay any longer.

His eyes were still cast somewhere other than at her and she could see the amount of effort he was exerting in maintaining the avoidance. It pained her to know that this was because of something that she had done, whether deliberately or not, she had hurt the kindest man she had ever met. For all of his cocky and devil-may-care attitude, deep on the inside Martin Deeks was a man who felt that he would never be enough to deserve the love a woman like Kensi, and she was heart sick for it. She had known him for years … _years_ … and she had somehow failed to show him that he was so much more than how he saw himself.

Before the seconds grew long enough for him to believe that maybe he was right, Kensi swallowed the burning lump in her throat and took one tentative step toward him. Part of her was relieved that he didn't back away, but another part feared that maybe he had simply resigned himself that his conclusions were correct and whatever they had was about to fade into nothing. She took a moment to clear her throat, not wanting anything to hinder the next words that she hoped would not drive the wedge even further between them.

"You're right."

When she saw his shoulders slump and his chin drop to his chest, Kensi moved quickly to dispel the tragic thoughts that had to begin playing through his mind.

"No! No … not about walking out of your life, babe … never that." With the back of her hand, Kensi wiped the tears that were staining her cheeks which only made room for more. Even though she was standing on the solid flooring of Kip's indoor basketball court, she felt as if she was standing on the edge of some great precipice, sudden doom mere inches away, depending on which path she trod. Knowing that poor communication was one of her strongest weaknesses, Kensi decided that there was no room for metaphors or subtle imagery, only the straight truth would suffice.

"I'm sorry, Deeks … I'm … I'm so … so sorry. I hurt you, and I know that saying _'I'm sorry'_ doesn't mean much at this point … but I am. From the bottom of my heart, babe … I am." Kensi felt a small flare of hope as Deeks made no move or sound, other than a couple of soft sniffles as he wiped away a few tears of his own.

"Yeah, Kens … ya did." She wasn't sure but Kensi thought that was the first time he'd used her shortened name since they began their little talk, but the tender inflection he used tore at her bleeding heart even more. "And for the life of me … I can't figure out why?"

"You and me both." She hadn't intended for her reply to come out so quickly and possibly sound flippant, but Deeks' soft chuckle reinforced her belief that he had not given up on them. She took a deep breath, swallowing her pride and knowing that he had been honest with her even though it had hurt to do so, decided that she would do the same for him. "Actions always have motives and … what motivated me to act this way … well … I'm not sure …"

Kensi saw Deeks begin to tense as if he thought she was blowing off his concerns, but she cut him off to save any misunderstanding. "Wait … I'm not saying that you're wrong to be angry with me and that the way I treated you today wasn't horrible, it was … I'm just trying to figure this out so that I don't hurt you any more than I already have."

Deeks took a moment, testing her words and tone, letting their shared past and affection set his mind at ease as to her sincerity. "Okay … take your time."

If they were not at such an impasse, Kensi would have run over and kissed him until his socks fell off. Instead, she curled her arms around her center, hugging tight until the tremors subsided and her chaotic thoughts coalesced into something more tangible than simple pain and hurt. She found a neutral spot on the floor a few inches in front of his shoes and began to follow the edge of the hardwood plank with her eyes, focusing on something inanimate that would not distract her. Taking a deep breath she began, knowing that the truth about to come from her would hurt, but it would be the only way to bring healing to the wound she had caused.

"I let it go too far with Agent DiNozzo … I did … and it wasn't over something like trying to get even for you over Talia or Catalina." She glanced up to make sure he was still there, that he hadn't turned to leave after her admission that she had indeed been flirting with the agent from DC. Kensi had to hold herself in check when she only found him looking back at her with sad eyes, the urge to run to him almost overwhelming. "But you must know … please _know_ … that once I realized that I was hurting you, I regretted it. I can't take it back … I can't erase what I did, but maybe I can explain the 'why' behind it all. That is, if you want to listen, if you still want to try and save this … save us?"

Deeks was torn. Part of him wanted to scream at her for what she had admitted to doing, rail against her for trying to charm another man while she was supposed to be his … but his heart ached to recapture what they were merely a day ago and put this entire mess behind them. It would be a relief if they returned to what they had or realized that what they had wasn't strong enough to last. Either way, they could move forward, together or apart, and begin to heal.

"Okay, Kens … I'm game." When his words reached her, Kensi thanked God in heaven for a man like her Deeks, that even though this would probably hurt and may mean that their future ended tonight, he respected her enough to let her speak from her heart. "Please, just tell me … was it … was it something that I did?"

This time the choked sob that tore up from her chest wouldn't be contained and Kensi let it out. "Oh, God … babe … no! Please … please believe me … you've done nothing wrong … nothing to deserve this." When he remained silent, only giving her a soft nod of his head to acknowledge that he understood, Kensi quickly wiped more tears away before continuing. Turning away toward the large pool that was visible through the glass windows, Kensi let her eyes dance along the lights surrounding the patios and benches, gathering her thoughts so that the words would come out right. She'd done enough damage already, and with so much riding on this, she could not afford another screw-up. After taking a deep breath that she let out slowly, she turned back to face the man who she knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

"I've always had to be Bad-Ass-Blye … and with that, there comes a certain expectation. I had to fight for every inch of respect that I received in this world of big boys and their big boy guns." Kensi cleared her throat, choking back the burn from this confession that was long overdue. "I had to scratch and claw to be accepted, even by Callen and Sam … and I've had to do things that would make my father's black-ops look like a day on Sesame Street. Part of that … part of it has been to use … use this …" She gestured toward her body, shaking her head when she saw Deeks drop his gaze to the floor. "... both on the job and off, just to get my foot in the door."

Taking a small step toward her, Deeks' voice was a quiet whisper, choked by the anguish he could hear in her words. "Kens …"

She continued as if she hadn't heard him. "It was so constant that I … that I sometimes forgot to turn it off … it became a habit when I got around someone with power or that I felt I needed to impress." A shiver ran down her spine and even from several steps away, Deeks could see that she was barely holding it together. He was prepared when the break came, but it still stole his breath away.

"Dammit!" She took a shuddering breath and let her head fall back until she was looking up at the rafters. "Dammit." Her voice was getting weaker and softer. "The person I became could outshoot, out run, out fight … out seduce … any other agent in the OSP. Even Callen couldn't keep up … but I had to sell part of my soul to do it … to learn to live with it."

Deeks suddenly felt like his problem with what happened earlier in the day had opened a Pandora's box into the psyche of this woman who still held so many secrets; secrets he wondered if he truly wanted to hear.

"And that's how I've functioned for the past several years …" That's when her mismatched eyes found his. "... until I met you."

Deeks knew that the admission should have been one of those moments that could have been put into a Hallmark card, but it only brought another twist in the neverending knot in his stomach. He wanted to listen, but the anger and hurt had remained simmering under the surface and it threatened to bubble free. "I … I don't understand Kens. Are you saying that I have to put up with crap from Bad-Ass-Blye if I want to be with Kensi?"

"No, babe … no … what I'm saying is that I have no excuse for how I treated you today … I just … I just feel horrible that I have screwed up the best thing that has ever happened to me …" Her eyes were dark with regret when she looked up at him. "... and I've hurt the best man that I've ever known."

"What do you want me to say, Kens? I watched you flirt with another man while you are supposed to be with me … you belittle my being 'just a cop' ... how does any of this make those _facts_ okay?" His heart was aching with her confession but it also still felt the sharp stab of betrayal.

"It doesn't make it okay! There's nothing that can!"

The blonde reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose, his eyes closing hard enough until he saw spots of white light through his eyelids. It was feeling like they were talking in circles, using lots of words without really getting anywhere. Maybe this was pointless. Maybe they were too different. Maybe this was the end. The end of _them_.

Taking a breath, he let it out slowly, trying to clear his head of Kensi's hurtful words from earlier, then she was speaking softly, in a tone that tugged at his bruised heart.

"Yeah, you're a cop … the best I've ever met and I don't think I've ever told you and, for that, I am ashamed." Her hand flicked across the corners of her eyes, clearing away the tears that continually stained her cheeks. "I've been around Sam for too long if I can belittle your profession … but honestly, I didn't mean it that way."

When she saw him spin to face her, confusion and disbelief in his eyes, she knew what he was going to say before his lips even moved. "How else was I supposed to take it?"

"I just sometimes get frustrated that you haven't become an agent … signed that paperwork that Hetty gave you."

Deeks confusion morphed into surprise. "You know about that?"

Kensi tried not to look like the cat who caught the canary. "I do now."

"Kens …"

Taking note of the edge of his tone, she took a step toward him, her hands up in a placating gesture. "No babe, I've known for quite some time the offer that she gave to you and your reasons for not accepting are your own … but there are times when I wonder why you haven't taken her up on it. Like maybe, it's a way to keep your options open … that maybe you aren't really in …"

Now it was his turn to throw up a hand to stop her. "You really want to know why?" At the slow nod of her head, he folded his arms across his chest, and gave her his best cocky smirk. "If you're sure …"

Kensi returned his smirk with a tender look from her mismatched eyes.

Deeks' smirk slipped into a cocky grin. "You know, for such a smart federal agent, you might want to review some of your own Standards and Practices … especially the one about fraternization between agents."

"What are you talking about?"

Feeling a little more of how the conversation was going, Deeks toned down the pleasure in revelling the little nugget of information that apparently escaped his girlfriend's notice. "Chapter Sixteen, Section Five, Point D, states that two agents, assigned to operate together as partners, shall not enter into any type of relationship, personal or otherwise, so long at they are employed under the authority of the Department of the Navy or the office of the Naval Criminal Investigative Service."

Kensi could not help but smile. "Did you just quote part of the Employee Handbook?"

"Lawyer." Deeks used a thumb to point to himself. "Memorizing important facts is what we do."

"And why that one in particular?"

A sad and frustrated look passed over the man's face before he tucked it away. "Cause basically it means that if I become an agent and we are in a relationship, that there is no way that we would be allowed to work together as partners … they probably won't even let us work out of the same office."

Kensi felt like she had been kicked in the gut and it took her another few moments for the revelation to fully sink in. "So … you don't want to become an agent because …"

"Because, if I do … we can't be partners anymore." Deeks smiled ruefully as he finished the thought for her. His heart still heart from what had happened earlier in the day, but the thought of not being Kensi's partner had haunted him for years now. "That would kill me Kens. I don't want to work with anyone other than you and just thinking about you getting partnered with someone else would be unbearable."

Stunned was not what Kensi was feeling. It was like her eyes had been opened and she was seeing him in an entirely new light. "All this _time_ … you were just protecting our 'thing'?"

He just shrugged his shoulders, letting his eyes dropped to her shoes. "Well … yeah."

" _God_ … Deeks." Ever since Hetty had told her about the paperwork that had been presented to Deeks, Kensi had often wondered why the offer had not been accepted. At first, she thought it was because he was intimidated by the federal agents and their tech and training. But as time went on, she began to believe it was so that if he ever wanted to really leave, remaining a cop would make the move simple and clean. With this new information, she realized that her assumptions had been based on her own skewed sense of self-preservation … because that's exactly what _she_ would have done.

Just one more reason why she felt the need to kick her own ass.

"And today … I make you feel inferior, let you think that I'm interested in another man, who happens to be a fellow agent …" Choking back a sob, Kensi feels the shame a guilt hit her anew. "... Babe … I am so … so sorry!"

She dropped her head until her hair fell around her face so she wouldn't have to see his face. "If tonight … if this … is the end … I take full responsibility for ruining … us … then you have to know that I've never loved anyone the way I love you." The tears were flowing freely, leaving shining streaks in the light. "You make me a better person Deeks … you make me want to be a better person."

"But you hurt me today …"

"I know, babe … I know … and I will regret it for the rest of my life. I can be an insensitive bitch sometimes when I lose sight of what is important in my life. I let my old habits take over today when I felt like I needed to prove myself to another agent from DC … and I hurt you in the process." She took a step toward him, keeping her eyes locked on his sneakers, terrified that if she looked up at him, he would run or look at her with rejection in his blue eyes. "I can't promise you that I will never hurt you again … I'm not that naive … but can promise that I will love you until the day that I die and, if you let me, I will spend the rest of my days proving that to you."

Deeks felt his own resolve breaking. "I don't want your apologies anymore, Kens."

At that moment, Kensi felt her heart break. It sounded like he was drawing the conversation to a close and she felt that they were nowhere near where they needed to be for their relationship to survive. That was all she had. All the words were spent. The tears were beginning to dry and her hands were losing the shake that came from the emotionally charged adrenaline dump that was finally starting to ebb. All that was left for her to do was turn away from her future and head back to her old life, the one where her heart could be kept locked away behind steel reinforced concrete and buried in the depths of the sea.

Kensi waited a few moments, just in case her pleas had not fallen on deaf ears, hoping beyond hope that somehow this night would end with some possibility of joy instead of pain. After a few more seconds, when she knew no reprieve was coming, she slowly turned away and gathered her broken heart that, by some miracle, was still beating. Her hand shook slightly as she turned to knob to open the door that led past the shimmering pool and she snatched it open quickly, knowing that her legs were going to give out soon. Her mind was filled with how was she going to get home; driving in this state was dangerous, so maybe she would call a cab or Nell or …

A firm hand on her shoulder stopped her forward movement but the grip was warm and gentle. Kensi almost pulled away, wanting to escape whatever words of comfort Deeks may utter to try and sooth the gaping wound in the center of her chest. But his tug was soft and before she knew it, he was spinning her back … right into his warm embrace.

"Kens …" He tucked her under his chin and she stepped further into his warmth, letting it soak into her very bones. "... you are the most maddening, infuriating, insane woman I have ever met .. and I will love you forever and back."

Kensi nuzzled deeper into his embrace, taking in his scent that she feared she would never enjoy again. "I'm so sorry Deeks … I'm so sorry."

"I know … I know." He held her close, partly just to feel her body against his and partly because he did not want her to walk away. "This is what love is, babe … forgiving when it hurts … and knowing that the one we love the most isn't perfect and will, more than likely, hurt you again."

She leaned back until she could see his face, a face that had its own tear tracks. "Can you do that? Can you forgive me?"

"I won't lie and say that what you did is something that I enjoyed … and I hope it never happens again." He felt her start to pull away but he held on. "I forgive you, Kens … just like I hope you can forgive me when I do something really stupid one day and hurt you."

They remained interlocked like that for several moments, letting the day's events fade away along with the tears that were finally coming to an end. Kensi sniffled against his chest, letting the soft thump-thump of his heart calm her even further, amazed that this man was giving her another chance. Nuzzling against his warmth, she let herself melt into him, her heartbeat quickening when she felt his lips slide across her hair as he whispered against her hair.

"What do you want, Kens?"

Her answer was immediate and unwavering.

"You … I just want you."

 _Fin_

...

 **A/N: To say that I am sorry that it took so long to finish this is a huge understatement. I hope that you have enjoyed this little story and, sad to say, I am ad it is finished. I have other stories to work on as I try to earn your forgiveness for taking so long between updates.**

 **Thank you for your patience and understanding.**

 **Semper Fidelis**

 **JS**


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